Breaking the Cycle of Chasing Unavailable Men and Choosing Myself Instead
I keep attracting the same circumstances and people into my life. It’s frustrating.
Haven’t I been here before? Haven’t I learned this lesson? But what if these repetitions aren’t setbacks? What if they’re opportunities?
A chance to wake up, to step outside the automatic programming and make even the smallest shift — because even a slight change can completely alter our trajectory.
Repeat, make a change, evolve or die. I wrote these words during my freewriting session this morning as I contemplated how I keep walking into the same experiences — maybe because I think it will be easy. It’s within my comfort zone. Less effort, right? But I don’t want the same results. I want something different.
We crave growth, but we resist change.
And when we stay stuck — doing the same things, making the same choices — we feel it. Stagnation. Monotony. A quiet sense of frustration, knowing deep down that we’re not really living. And that’s a slow death.
If you don’t evolve, you die. If you don’t expand, you shrink. If you keep playing the same role in an ever-changing world, you end up lost, disconnected from what you really want.
For years, I played a role I thought I had to play. Accommodating. Understanding. Bending over backward to prove I was worthy of love. But where did that get me? In relationships where I was not valued. Where I gave endlessly but didn’t receive.
And then, recently, life sent me a test.
I ran into a man I used to date. It had been years, and I didn’t feel any resentment — just curiosity. He had moved to my area, so when he suggested coffee, I thought, Why not?
I remembered our history. Even back when we were dating, I could feel that something was off. He always had excuses. He was never available on weekends because he was with his kids — which seemed odd because he was divorced. His attention felt scattered, and I was constantly trying to prove my worth, bending over backward to keep things going.
Eventually, my gut told me to dig deeper. And when I did? I found exactly what I feared — he had a girlfriend the whole time.
When I confronted him, he, of course, denied it. But then I showed him recent pictures I found on Facebook, ones that left no room for debate. That’s when he hit me with the dramatic monologue — how he couldn’t leave her because her mother was dying.
That was the moment I walked away. Even though I had spent so much time trying to prove I was enough for him, I knew I wasn’t going to sit there and be his backup plan.
So fast-forward to now. We meet for coffee, just to catch up, and out of nowhere, he says, I don’t remember why we stopped talking.
I stared at him. You don’t remember?
He shrugged. I don’t remember being with you and with someone else at the same time; that’s just not who I am.
And that was it. That was the moment. Ten years ago, I would have let him rewrite history. I would have softened. Laughed it off. Made an excuse for him.
Not this time.
First, of course, I asked if he had been in an accident or hit his head. But no — no accident. So I explained that there was no way this didn’t happen. Hell, he was the first man who had ever cheated on me.
He started in again, all charm. What about me and you?
I didn’t hesitate. By the time we’d have a future, you’d have already quit.
In that moment, I saw him for what he was — he wasn’t here to reconnect. He was here for fun. For an ego boost. For another round.
And I wasn’t that woman anymore. I told him I’ve changed, and my standards are much higher now.
Here’s the thing: people come back into your life so you can see just how much you’ve changed — or where you still need to. And sometimes, it’s not about making some huge, dramatic change. Sometimes, it’s just about shifting slightly.
Like in golf. (I don’t play golf, but stay with me.) I’ve heard that if you change your swing’s angle by even a millimeter, the entire trajectory of the ball changes.
That tiny shift sends it in a completely different direction.
In life and relationships, that’s growth.
A slight shift in perspective, a small adjustment in how you respond, and suddenly? You’re playing a whole new game. You’re in a different league, not in the same cycle anymore, living the same story.
And for me? My shift was recognizing that I didn’t need to prove my worth to anyone. That I didn’t have to be accommodating just to be chosen.
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The Power of Saying Not This Time
This is what happens when we evolve: the same people, the same situations, the same tests reappear, but we finally answer them differently.
As women, we’re taught to be nice. To give people the benefit of the doubt. To work for love. But what if the real lesson is knowing when to walk away? When to choose ourselves?
So, I ask you: Where in your life is the universe asking you to evolve? Where can you make a small shift that changes everything?
Because sometimes, growth doesn’t look like dramatic change.
Sometimes, it’s just a simple decision to say, Not this time.
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Jan 7
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