Allowing people to show me who they are instead of who I hope they’ll be

I hadn’t been on a dating app for a whole year. The last time I was, I had a pretty grotesque experience.

I was chatting with someone who at first seemed interested, but when he suggested moving to a phone call, I paused for a moment and realized that most of his questions and comments were focused on looks — how fit I am, how often I go to the gym. Just really shallow, surface-level stuff.

It was clear he hadn’t read my profile or, if he had, he didn’t care. I’m always upfront about looking for something meaningful: friendship first, depth and connection.

So I gently told him,

“Hey, I’m not sure we’re aligned — I’m looking for something deeper, and so far your questions have been on the surface.”

He totally snapped. Said something vulgar — I honestly blocked it out. I think it was along the lines of

“go suck a dick.”

He likely added some other repulsive nonsense, but I quickly blocked and reported him.

It hit me how important it is to vet people and take time before meeting anyone. It’s scary to think I could have gone out on a date with someone like that.

I’ve been learning to trust in my intuition, observe how people behave, and recognize warning signs instead of trying to change people or minimize what they say and do.

So yeah, a whole year passed, and I finally dipped my toe back in. Matched with a guy, FaceTimed him. We lived close, so for a moment, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to grab a coffee. I mentioned that I might be in his area later.

He was excited and basically expressed his desire — said things like:

“I just want a hug.”

“And kiss — you’re totally my type.”

I laughed it off in the moment and clarified that if he was looking for a hookup, I’m the wrong girl.

But no, he went on to express a real desire to meet someone — but come on, red flag, right?

Then I asked about his past. He told me he’d been divorced only about a year. And honestly, between that and his vibe, it just felt off.

So, NO.

Then I connected with another guy, and this one felt different. We FaceTimed for over an hour. He wanted to meet right away but didn’t pressure me, and I felt good about it.

We took a long walk on the beach — talked nonstop. It was easy, natural. He was respectful, warm, a total gentleman. Then we went out to dinner, and again, nothing but good vibes.

I left that evening feeling so grateful!

But the next day? Silence.

When he didn’t message me, I decided to text him — just to say thank you, to show appreciation. I mean, he drove an hour to see me, took me to a really nice dinner, and made the effort. That deserves gratitude, regardless of what comes after.

I told him I had a wonderful time and hoped he got home safely.

His response? Polite, generic, and distant. Said it was a “refreshing date,” that I was witty and bright.

And I just sat with that. It felt cold. Not necessarily rude, but emotionally checked out. So I left it alone. Because I know myself, I go all in. I lead with my heart. I wear it right on my sleeve, and I’m honest. Always.

I don’t want to change who I am. I don’t want to play games — waiting three days to call, not texting back, pretending to care less than I do. I’m not about that life. And I’m not interested in anyone who is.

I want something real — deep. And I want to be able to recognize behavior for what it is.

As Maya Angelou said,

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

So I’m choosing to believe what I see.

That guy? He may have genuinely enjoyed our time together, but maybe my follow-up text was too much for where he is emotionally.

That’s fine.

Because I want someone who is ready, ready to open their heart, appreciate connection, and build something meaningful.

Let’s be honest — not everyone we meet, we connect with. That’s the truth.

Regardless, I am learning to pause and observe the other person’s behavior instead of clinging to my expectations and trying to manipulate outcomes.

For example, with this guy, we had a fantastic time, everything felt mutual, and the energy was great.

What I observed, however, when I texted him the next day:

He didn’t express any desire to see me again, and his tone was disconnected and distant. After that, crickets — I didn’t hear from him again.

For me, it was a signal that he might not be as interested as I thought, or that we’re not on the same page emotionally.

I admit I was extremely disappointed and started to overthink it. I recognized this limiting thought pattern that was beginning to build up.

In the past, I would have begun questioning myself —

“Did I say too much? Was I too forward? Should I have played it cooler?”

I would beat myself up.

I’d get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts, thinking things like, “Maybe I’m not good enough.” That mindset would drag me down and create more negativity, which would attract more of the wrong energy.

I realized that my negativity wasn’t about him at all — it was about how I responded to the stories playing out in my head.

The next couple of matches were disastrous. The energy I was putting out was attracting all the wrong people — creepy, ego-driven, emotionally unavailable types.

So, I removed my photo, paused my account, and deleted the app, pulling away from it all.

I realized I was trying to replace one connection with another too quickly.

So I’m pressing pause. Taking a breath to process my emotions. Shedding all that buildup of pressure and expectation.

I have no hard feelings toward the guy I went out with. He gave me a beautiful experience — respectful, sweet, full of good energy — and that alone is something to be thankful for. It didn’t go anywhere, but that’s not a loss.

What did happen, though, is I caught myself falling back into old patterns.

This time, I’m doing it differently. I’m not changing who I am, but I am changing how I respond to rejection and unavailability.

I’m learning to accept that not everyone will want the same things I do. Not everyone is going to like me. And that’s not just OK — it’s essential in attracting the right person.