The lessons my mother taught me — without ever saying a word

If I were to sum up the purpose of life in two words, it would be to learn. Life, in its essence, is all about what we gain from lived experience. 

Growing up, I was very close to my mother. In many ways, as she put it, we grew up together. She was a young mom, married at 20, and became a mother at 23. I watched her face many of life’s challenges. But, in some ways, I was oblivious to the unspoken pain she carried — pain she hid from me, thinking it would protect me. The thing is, children feel everything, even the things left unspoken.

Now, as an adult, I have a better understanding of what my mother went through. She was in a long, toxic relationship for over 30 years. In many ways, I mirrored her, blindly repeating the same patterns in my own life.

I remember how, whenever my father would call, we had to spring into action, standing at attention, ready for his command. I inherited that habit from her, and it took me years to unlearn it, to stop living in that high-stress state in my own relationships.

I developed the habit of being ‘on call,’ immediately available in both work and romantic relationships, which created burnout to the point of illness in my life. I learned this behavior from my mother, who was always available, fearful of disappointing others or being seen as unavailable.

Over time, I observed my mother shift this behavior in her current relationships — she now sets clear boundaries, making space for herself. I, too, began unlearning that constant ‘on-call’ mentality by prioritizing my time and mental health. For example, I’ll leave work calls and emails for the next day if they arrive after 4 PM.

I’m also learning to take a step back when someone I’m dating has unreasonable expectations on my time and energy. These small changes have allowed me to maintain my sense of self, without the fear that setting a boundary means losing love or connection.

But this isn’t about the inherited trauma — it’s about transformation. It’s about my admiration for my mother. During the years after she left my father, she endured countless court battles and extreme stress. She was sued, not only by him but also by his family as well. I won’t take sides or point fingers.

This isn’t about judgment, but about the resilience and the transformation I witnessed in my mother.

Every time she received another letter from an attorney or another court summons, I saw her fall into a state of paralysis. Seeing her like this affected me. Even though I wasn’t in immediate danger, I would feel the anxiety, the sense of fear and the need to be on high alert. Sleepless nights, worst-case scenarios running through my mind, and panic that took over. It was overwhelming.

Fourteen years passed, and finally, she won her case. Things were quiet for a while — six months of peace.

But then, another letter came. Another court battle on the horizon. You might think, “She can’t catch a break”. And yet, her response this time was different. She was calmer, more centered, and her outlook had shifted. She confidently expressed that everything would be okay. There was no need to panic and for the first time, I believed her. Not that we can control all outcomes, but that we can choose how we respond and get through whatever life throws our way.

I, too, have learned to face life with more calm and courage. From my own experiences and from witnessing her resilience, I’ve realized that things can change in an instant. Life has a funny way of working itself out, and sometimes the many factors at play need time to sort themselves before an outcome emerges, one we might not have expected, but one which turns out better than we could have imagined. And even when things don’t go as planned, I remind myself, ‘This too shall pass.’

As a result, we will be stronger, more resilient.

This reminds me of one of my main clients, to whom I dedicate much of my time. Every couple of years, they have money problems and say they may not be able to continue with my services. I used to freak out about it, feeling like everything is falling apart. But now, I’ve learned to take a breath, step back, and simply accept whatever is unfolding. I do what I can, but I respond in a more balanced way, trusting that everything will work out as it’s meant to.

It’s remarkable how my mother, after fourteen years of battles, the toll it took on her health and energy created a true change. It would have been easy for her to remain in that cycle of stress. Instead, she was transformed and took her power back by responding in a way that did not invoke a high stress state. She took a step back and saw the big picture; there is no need to panic in this moment. It had taken fourteen years to see the results of her court case, and now, all she could do was focus on what was within her control. And with that shift, I could feel the weight lifting from her.

Now, I see my mother in a new light — brave, strong, and resilient. She has faced so many challenges, but those challenges have only made her stronger.

I admire her, and I’m grateful for the lessons she’s taught me. She has truly transformed, and I hope this newfound peace continues to shape her life for many years to come.