What past pain, present intuition, and reflection taught me about love, self-worth, and staying open
I admit it: I’ve been vetting potential partners through online video conversations.
Facial expressions — and, when visible, body language — can be quite telling. You can feel someone’s energy on a video call, right? It’s subtle, but it’s there.
Being present, observing, and tuning in to what’s felt beyond words helps guide my intuition.
Of course, whether the conversation flows naturally and if we want the same things, like a long-term partnership, is important. But it’s the more nuanced echoes that tell me something deeper.
People can often wear masks and act like someone they’re not. Usually unaware or in denial that they’re showing up according to what they think the other wants — I vet them anyway.
There’s nothing I can do to change the fact that what you see is not always what you get.
Let’s be honest — we can’t safeguard our lives entirely.
Living involves opening ourselves to risk and reward — the possibility of heartbreak and the chance of falling deeply in love and experiencing something profound, beautiful, and life-changing.
It all happens within us — we’re the ones who assign meaning to the lived experience.
From Guarded to Open: Asking the Deeper Questions
So I ask myself: What do I need to feel safe enough to stay open?
This whole process — being intentional, observing energy, listening to my intuition — has stirred something deeper in me. It’s made me reflect not only on what I want in a relationship today, but also on what I’ve learned from past relationships.
More specifically, about what emotional safety and connection feel like to me.
I found myself looking back — not to dwell, but to understand.
On the surface, this world appears dual, with its rights and wrongs, good and bad.
But beneath the surface lies love — a deeply rooted presence in front of which everything unfolds.
Although I often find it difficult to see the light in the darkness — as do most of us — I know it’s there.
What has helped me is retrospect.
According to Merriam-Webster, retrospect is “a review of or meditation on past events.”
As time passes, I begin to see heartbreak and darkness in a different light.
The truth and beauty of interconnection are ever-present and become clearer upon looking back.
For the sake of this reflection, I’ll momentarily release the knowledge that the only time is now since I’m speaking from a place of retrospect.
What Heartbreak Taught Me About What I Need
As I reflected on my past relationships, I was trying to understand what I need in a relationship.
What makes me feel safe enough to open up?
I say this while reminding myself and anyone reading that we are each unique expressions and there’s no single right way to be.
I examined relationships where I felt safe and seen.
One came to mind: a man I dated years ago. The relationship was short-lived and ended abruptly — he fled at the first significant conflict. I know that doesn’t sound trustworthy.
But upon deeper examination, I realized that throughout the relationship, I did feel safe enough to open up. He was transparent; his behaviors and actions during the relationship allowed me to let my guard down and be open in ways that led to greater joy and intimacy.
The point is, only in retrospect, could I see the blessings and insight of that relationship. Years later — after being mad about it for quite some time — I realized the relationship had shown me some of the things I need in a partner.
Even though his fear prevented reconciliation after our first speed bump, I can now accept it and be grateful for the insight it provided.
It was, in many ways, a deeply loving and satisfying connection. We had a lot of fun together, and I’m grateful.
It feels like a revelation — finally seeing what I was meant to gain from that experience instead of wrapping myself in anger and refusing to look at it.
Some relationships aren’t meant to last long. It only took several months for that one to deliver its lesson, but it took me years to see it.
I was clouded by the anger I held toward him for walking away.
The truth is, there were several aspects of that relationship that weren’t aligned. I’m glad it ended. It wasn’t ideal — especially since he didn’t, at that time, have the skills to work through real problems.
I can finally say I no longer hold resentment.
I feel at peace with it and can now gather the wisdom.
All of our lived experiences leave behind messages — whether they are indicators to clarify our direction or quiet whispers guiding us deeper into ourselves. They shape us.
When we look closely and reflect, we can see the light in even the darkest corners.
Today, I no longer feel pain or sadness about it. I feel gratitude — for the fun we had and the insights it provided, even though it took years to arrive.
Letting Go of the Story and Finding Peace
For a long time, I couldn’t even look at that experience. The truth is, I was falling in love with him — and he left at the first sign of a challenge. The meaning I gave to that was:
He gave up on me. I’m not worth fighting for.
Today, I see that this wasn’t just a passing thought — it was a recurring pattern of self-doubt rooted in the core belief that I wasn’t enough.
Every time I faced rejection, I’d ask myself, What did I do wrong?
Always looking to blame myself, as though I must be the cause of the problem.
The truth is, there’s no right or wrong here.
We each bring our own energy into relationships, and we create something together, whether it works or not.
Sometimes, people make mistakes, and that’s okay.
The point is that we live, we learn, and we experience life for the purpose of growing.
When the darkness falls upon our lives, it might take some time to see the good, but eventually, we can ask ourselves:
So, what’s the takeaway? And how can it guide me forward?
We change. We evolve.
What we need at one point in our lives may no longer serve us as time goes on.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to what we seek in a relationship — just different phases, different energies, different needs.
Life is dynamic. And we’re invited to gather insight from every experience to help us move more clearly into each unfolding moment ahead.
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A reflection on shifting, discerning, and choosing relationships that align with who I am becomingthetaoist.online
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