How the four agreements helped me stop overthinking and make peace with not knowing
One minute, I was on an absolute high after an amazing date, the next, I was ghosted.
It was triggering, and after some reflection, I realized what I wanted most in that moment was to know why.
I kept trying to figure it out, my monkey mind just wouldn’t let it go.
Maybe he died — okay, highly unlikely.
As you can tell, I don’t do well with rejection.
Does anyone?
Back to the point: I kept considering the why, and my goodness, this Google mind of mine — generated about a thousand search results.
The blame was all over the place.
Does the why even matter?
In the moment of emotional turmoil, I thought I needed to know.
I wanted to vent, to blame someone — especially myself — to do the detective work and discover the truth.
He’s a player.
A liar.
Emotionally unavailable.
He was in an accident.
He lost his memory.
I didn’t inquire enough about him — his interests, needs, desires.
I didn’t vet him properly.
I didn’t ask the right questions to clearly identify his intention for our date?
I didn’t show enough interest.
I live too far.
I’m not pretty enough.
He’s insecure.
He thinks he’s not good enough.
And on and on my mind went, trying to uncover the answer.
It was an energetic drain.
I felt stressed out and anxious.
Was I ever going to get to the bottom of this? No!
Even if I had spoken to him directly, he could’ve made up some excuse. Not to hurt my feelings, of course, but to be “respectful” since I asked.
Although, let’s be honest, leaving someone hanging like that after an amazing date is pretty disrespectful. But hey — let’s not judge here.
Hell, he may not even know the reason why he ghosted me.
He may not be emotionally intelligent or self-aware.
Which is funny because… he said he was.
Regardless, I’ll never truly know what went wrong — and that’s OK.
Once I let go of the need to know why, I accepted it for what it was. And that provided a great sense of ease and release.
Today, a few weeks later, I realize that it doesn’t even matter why.
Because let’s be real — all those ideas? Just a mental drain.
These are all assumptions.
And this reminded me of Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements.
This book is among the first that changed my life — completely, 360°. It altered how I perceived reality and experienced life.
I love it because it offers four powerful principles — simple in words, but deep in practice — that can free us from much unnecessary suffering and help us live with more clarity and peace.
Here they are, in the order Ruiz gives them:
1. Be impeccable with your word
This one’s about using your words with integrity — towards others and yourself. And looking back, I was. I didn’t lash out. I didn’t send a nasty text. I didn’t twist myself into someone else to get approval. On the date and after it, I was kind, present, honest, and aligned. I communicated from a place of truth.
2. Don’t take anything personally
This one hits. Because, at the moment, I took it personal. I thought it was about me — my looks, where I live, something I said, something I didn’t say. But when someone ghosts you, it says more about them. Their capacity. Their patterns. Their avoidant tendencies. Or maybe it’s just bad timing. Whatever it is, it’s not about my worth.
3. Don’t make assumptions
This is where my overthinking monkey mind had its way with me. I assumed and assumed. I assumed he had lost interest. I assumed I had done something wrong. I thought he was a player, emotionally unavailable — you name it, I assumed it. The stories were endless.
But that’s the thing — they were stories. I was suffering from things I didn’t even know were true. That’s the danger of assuming. It’s self-inflicted pain.
4. Always do your best
And I did. I showed up as the best version of myself that day. I didn’t try to manipulate or perform. I was present, open, and intentional. And if that wasn’t enough for him, that’s OK.
I was enough for me.
If I had remembered these four things when I was triggered, I would’ve saved myself from unnecessary suffering. But that’s the beauty of learning — sometimes you forget, and the lesson circles back.
And here’s the thing: we always talk about “accept what is.” It sounds great, right? But how do we do it?
Maybe the path to acceptance can start with practicing these four agreements, over and over, especially when we’re triggered.
So no, I’ll probably never know why he ghosted me.
And honestly? I don’t need to know.
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