Exploring the duality of desire and restraint, a journey into self-acceptance and inner peace

After a night like last night, where I tossed and turned, yearned and trembled in fear, I awaken and cleanse myself of the demons. I resurrect clarity through writing.

Last night, I felt a part of me wanting to awaken. And I know — when she is unleashed, all hell breaks loose. A desire that’s hidden, so deep, so dark — I’m afraid to let her out.

There’s deep pain tied to her presence in my life — deep, dark, torturous pain. I believe she knows I keep her hidden. And she knows why. She creates imbalance and chaos in my life, so I shut her down.

She is the wild, domineering sexual force within me that doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants — or destroys the purest part of me.

I love her because she embodies power. She is the force that ignites me. She stirs a deep motivation in me to move, to act — but often without thinking.

She is reckless.

Still, I love her. Her spirit. Her body. Her sexual energy. Her domineering nature. She’s the one who’s unapologetic and doesn’t ask for permission.

But when she retreats, I am left bare — naked — to pick up the pieces of my purity and try to put myself back together.

I bid her farewell a year ago. And last night, she began to awaken.

I did tell her to come. I ignited her flame. And now I am at a crossroads: to take the risk and live fully with her beside me — or retreat once again.

Standing at the Edge

She is a danger to me. Physically. She comes and takes over my body, leaving me with the repercussions.

What’s rising in me isn’t just about sensuality — it’s about the duality that lives within us all. The controlled and the untamed. It’s a reflection on what happens when we stop resisting and let the energy move through us, guiding us toward integration and inner balance.

I am caught between two worlds and two fates, which has always been the case.

Even as a little girl, I was drawn to the provocative and forbidden.

Seduction made sense to me before I ever knew what it meant. But when I was taken advantage of and discarded — I felt lost and confused. But why?

Because no one teaches you how to carry this kind of power — you’re told you have to play the game and be a certain way.

Another layer is revealing itself here — this force, this deep feminine power, I can explore it alone. And I will. That’s the plan.

But I know that even igniting it solo ripples into the world around me. I feel it. The sexual energy I awaken is not quiet. It walks with me. It talks through me. It breathes in every space I enter. It’s like a label I can’t peel off. And maybe that’s what scares me most. I feel like I shouldn’t expose this energy in public, if only to protect myself.

But am I protecting myself?

Look at me — wrapping myself up, keeping parts of me in a box, letting only the safest parts be seen.

It hurts. It hurts to live like this.

So maybe it’s not just the inner child that wants to be seen and listened to. It’s also the sensual and sexual energies that exist within.

And if I don’t allow them into the light — I will get sick.

When Energy Speaks

So I ask and listen: To the force I’ve feared and buried — what do you want me to know?

I know you think that when I come out and play, I am destructive — that I leave you unbalanced and sad. But is it only because you push me down and refuse to let me see the light that I become dark and poisonous?

So when I’m unleashed, I spew venom. I act out. I turn your world upside down.

Keeping me hidden — and bringing me out only when it suits you — will destroy you.

And please, just look at me. I’ve always been here.

At six years old, I was fascinated by exotic women and how they moved. I belly-danced my way around our home. I pretended to be every seductress.

I was open. I played with energy.

Integration Is the Way

And now, perhaps I don’t need to fear her. Maybe I need to meet her.

Not in chaos or shame. But with intention.

I don’t need to hand her the keys to my life, but I also can’t keep pretending she doesn’t exist.

I let her stretch, breathe, and awaken.

I dance again.

Not to please anyone — just to feel my own pulse.

I move my hips. I speak to her in mirrors. I touch myself like I’m learning something sacred — because I am.

Welcoming the Wild

This isn’t about performance. It’s about integration.

Allowing the whole of me to exist without needing to be burned or buried.

I don’t need to prove anything. Just let the energy move. Let it ripple through my walk, my voice, my art.

Let it rise when it needs to rise without fear.

Because when I meet her every day with tenderness and honesty, she doesn’t have to erupt. She doesn’t have to destroy. She becomes part of me. Not the shadow — just me.

This is the work.

Not full retreat. Not full surrender. Just a quiet remembering.

A promise:

I will no longer shame you.

I will no longer lock you away.

You can live here, too.

And we’ll figure it out — together.

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Thank you for being here 🖤