A journey through emotional conditioning, attraction without depth, and the quiet power of self-awareness and boundaries.
Today, I set a boundary, and I feel powerful.
Sometimes, it’s not about avoiding the people who trigger our insecurities — it’s about getting stronger in the face of them.
It’s about deciding and getting clear. To know, with absolute certainty, who we are — what we need and desire in our lives.
Choosing Peace Over Fantasy
I say this today, of all days, because I set a personal boundary with someone I’ve been talking to on and off for almost a decade.
We’ve never had any kind of relationship, and we’ve never been physical in any way — but the chemistry and attraction have always felt intense.
Still, over the years, I’ve observed him. I don’t see someone emotionally available. I don’t see someone with the presence or capacity to offer what I need in a relationship.
Every time we talk, the energy is the same. Our conversations are filled with sexual tension and focused entirely on fantasies, desires, or sensual experiences. There’s no emotional depth or intention behind it — just flirtation and fantasy, cycling over and over again without going anywhere meaningful.
When we reconnected this year, I hoped it might be different. But it wasn’t. It was the same cycle — a kind of fantasy merry-go-round. Lots of sexual energy but nothing of substance.
So before I got pulled down the rabbit hole again, I spoke my truth and told him: “I know your fantasies. We’ve explored this dynamic in depth. But this doesn’t give me what I need — friendship, emotional safety, trust.”
He told me I was being mean.
I told him, firmly and kindly: “I’m not being mean. I’m setting a boundary. This isn’t moving forward in a meaningful way. And I’m not interested in staying stuck in a one-dimensional connection that revolves around sexuality without any real emotional foundation.”
You Don’t Always Have to Avoid People to Stay Strong
There was a time I would block him immediately — whenever I felt myself slipping back into the emotional cocktail. It was my way of staying strong, of regaining control.
But this time, I chose something different: I stayed, and I observed.
Not to invite chaos in, but to witness the pattern clearly — without reacting.
What I saw confirmed what I already knew deep down. He showed up for a moment, said all the things I once wanted to hear, and then disappeared again. Same loop. Same inconsistency. Same subtle avoidance that always made me feel like I was talking to a married man — emotionally unavailable, acting different during the day than after hours.
And if I’m honest, that rhythm felt familiar — because I grew up around it. My father lived a double life for years. He would show up, say the right things, and then vanish into another reality. Maybe that’s why I was drawn to this kind of connection. It wasn’t the man I was drawn to — it was the unresolved emotion he represented.
This time, I didn’t spiral. I simply watched — and that, in itself, was powerful. True strength isn’t always about cutting someone off; sometimes, it’s about staying present just long enough to say: I see you. I see this. And I choose peace.
I did not act on the attraction. And that alone felt like a victory.
The deepest form of love is choosing yourself when the pattern no longer honors your growth.
The Power of Self-Awareness
The personal growth journey is an incredible ride inward. Learning to express your needs is essential. We are multifaceted, and our needs shift with the seasons of our lives.
A relationship with one person may require certain elements that wouldn’t matter in a different context. We might need more or less depending on who we engage with and the situation.
This awareness helps you stop abandoning yourself for the comfort of a familiar dynamic.
And then you evolve.
Attraction vs. Alignment
Wavelength matters. Frequency matters. Are we speaking on the same level — or just talking past each other?
Have we developed enough self-awareness and enough presence to meet each other truly? Or are we always just a little out of sync — slightly off-beat, missing the rhythm that makes connection feel effortless?
This distinction between chemistry and true alignment helps us choose substance over seduction.
Patterns exist. Conditioning exists. And alignment with the truest version of ourselves is the way out of repetition. A way out of the automatic program.
Understanding the Patterns Beneath Our Relationships
Psychologist Carl Jung wrote about universal patterns in the human psyche — archetypes that live deep within us. He called this inner realm the collective unconscious, a shared space made up of inherited memory, instinct, and symbolism.
These energies often play out in our lives without us realizing it — through our relationships, our choices, and the stories we repeat.
Recognizing the archetypes that drive your emotional habits can help you break cycles you didn’t even know you were trapped in.
Each pattern or archetype has its shadow — its distorted, extreme form.
Even altruism can have an edge. The helpers who give too much. The strong ones who never let themselves feel. Even the most beautiful qualities, when out of balance, can drain us if we’re unaware.
Breaking a Subconscious Emotional Pattern
When we’re unconscious of these patterns, we often repeat behaviors that don’t serve us — choosing people who reflect a familiar pain, acting from our wounds, or projecting our unmet needs onto others.
They show up in our everyday lives through our roles, the people we’re drawn to, and the emotional loops we find ourselves stuck in.
This is the shadow side of archetypes: when their energy takes over in unhealthy or unconscious ways.
But underneath it all, there is a purity — something whole and essential.
As we become more self-aware and more grounded in who we are, we begin to recognize how our greatest strengths, unchecked, can become our greatest shadows.
This is where change begins — not by fixing others, but by knowing oneself.
Boundaries are one way we integrate this awareness. They help us discern.
Boundaries are not walls; they are invitations — to mutual respect, clarity, and connection.
I also set boundaries around my work and time. I no longer take calls after 4 p.m. I know myself. If I keep going, my mind won’t slow down. I’ll struggle to rest. My sleep will be off. My energy will drain.
So, I protect my peace. Same with other areas of life.
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Socrates
Knowing Yourself is the First Step to Liberation
Observing. Noticing your patterns. The ways you let yourself get pulled off-center. These are energies — archetypes and internal forces — that influence how you think, feel, and respond.
To be fully embodied is to become aware of them. Name them, understand how they show up in your life, and work with them in a way that supports your well-being rather than drains it.
The more conscious we become of what lives within us, the more empowered we are to choose what we allow around us.
If any part of this resonated with you, you might want to ask yourself:
- Are there emotional patterns you’ve been repeating that no longer serve who you’re becoming?
• What do you truly need to feel safe, seen, and supported in love? — What are your non-negotiables, and are you living in alignment with them?
Sometimes, the most powerful shift begins with one honest question.
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A reflection on shifting, discerning, and choosing relationships that align with who I am becomingthetaoist.online
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