How awareness can save you from settling for the wrong person

Originally published on Medium> here

I’ve been feeling disappointed with the lack of true prospects in my dating escapade.

This is the point where that faint tang of desperation usually creeps in — the thought that maybe that guy from the other day — the one who wasn’t aligned with me because we wanted different things — maybe he could’ve been the one?

Maybe if he hadn’t shut down when I asked what he wanted — how he envisioned partnership — maybe if he’d had an answer, we might’ve had a chance.

And then my mind does what it always does: it starts negotiating. It whispers, maybe you should change what you want so you can make it work.

This is where my mind goes when things don’t work out — into logic that sounds like truth but isn’t.

I start off strong and self-assured, but when things don’t unfold in my favor, I begin considering settling for less.

But I forget — I’m actually okay on my own. I like myself. I like my life. And every time I’ve settled for less, it’s led me to resentment — of myself, and then of the other person.

Maybe.
Maybe is the word that seems to summon this pattern of low self-worth.
Maybe I’m asking for too much.
Maybe I’ve missed the boat.
Maybe I’m too old.
Maybe I need to want something different.
Maybe most people want separate lives at this age.

And on and on my limiting mind goes, trying to justify and validate my settling.

Like, your hopes are too high, or you’re unrealistic, or you’ll be alone forever.

Maybe I’ve always been this way — settling for crumbs, convincing myself they’re a meal.

What would happen if I simply didn’t settle for anything less than what I want?

The voice in my head answers: Then you’ll be alone forever.

That’s the same voice that spoke before I decided to marry my ex-husband. The same one that said, If you don’t take this client, you’ll never find another.

It’s that old, limiting mindset — the one standing between where I am and where I want to be.

What does your limiting mind tell you?
Where do you feel it holding you back?

Awareness has been my saving grace these past few years. It’s what truly moved the needle for me — in confidence, self-worth, and growth.
 It’s helped me catch the tricks of my lazy mind, the one that tries to lure me into comfort and settling.

And at the end of the day, awareness is what allows me to choose differently.

Awareness Isn’t About Avoiding Every Wrong Turn

Even when you’re self-aware, you can still get caught up in something that isn’t aligned — and that’s okay. We live, we feel, we learn. Sometimes you meet someone and think, This might not last, but there’s something here for me to understand. Other times, you just know in your body, This doesn’t feel right.

Awareness Isn’t About Getting Everything Right

Awareness doesn’t mean you’ll always choose the right person.
It just means you start noticing the signs sooner — you become more discerning, more willing to step outside your patterns and the old beliefs that keep you stuck. You start having the courage to choose differently.

When Honesty Feels Risky

I remember being on a date, sitting side by side with someone. We were talking and laughing, completely at ease. For a moment, it felt simple — natural. And then I felt that quiet nudge inside me — the one that said, ask the question.

So I did. I asked what he envisioned for a relationship.

One minute, he was fully present. The next, his smile faded, and his energy shifted. His eyes drifted somewhere far away.

He looked back at me and said, “That’s a really good question. I haven’t even thought about it.”

And that told me everything.

Later, when he asked me out again, I told him, “I don’t think we want the same things.”

He replied, “You don’t plan your life on a first date.”

But I wasn’t planning my life — I was checking if our paths were even facing the same direction. It wasn’t about him. I didn’t even know if I liked him yet. But I knew I didn’t want to keep giving energy to something that had nowhere to go.

That moment taught me how fast connection can turn into contraction — how easily warmth can turn into distance when someone isn’t ready for honesty.

I still worry that asking real questions too soon might scare people away.

But what I’m realizing is that many people haven’t actually thought about what they truly want.

They’re dating for comfort, distraction, or convenience — not always from intention.

And that’s okay. We’re all at different places in our growth. I know there was a time when I wasn’t this clear either.

I used to think I had to hold back or soften what I wanted — that if I stayed quiet long enough, someone would fall in love with me first, and then it would be safe to share with them what I want.

But that doesn’t make sense anymore, not sure it ever did.

Now I see that being honest doesn’t chase away the right people.

It simply saves me from investing in the wrong ones.

Chemistry and Capacity

I used to think that if two people had enough chemistry, they could make it work.

Chemistry sparks connection — it’s magnetic, alive, and essential.
But capacity — the emotional maturity and self-awareness to stay grounded through discomfort — is what allows that connection to last.

Questions help you understand intention — whether someone has reflected on what they want.

Behavior reveals capacity — whether they can actually live what they say.

You ask early questions to understand direction, and you observe behavior to see if their actions align with their words.

That’s what awareness and discernment look like in practice — seeing clearly, then choosing wisely.

Asking Better Questions

I’ve been told I’m too serious—that I should just “go with the flow.”

But I’ve learned that flow without direction just circles back to confusion.

People sometimes try to make you feel like you’re overthinking, when really, you’re just being clear. They want to have a good time; you want to know if this connection is worth your time. That’s not control – that’s discernment.

I used to think that asking real questions too soon might scare people away.

But I’ve realized that the right questions don’t chase away the right people – they just reveal who’s ready for the kind of connection I want.

When I ask someone about their vision for a relationship – how they see partnership, what kind of life they’d like to build – I’m not looking for a perfect answer. I’m looking to see if they’ve thought about it at all.

Because how someone responds tells you a lot.

People who’ve reflected on love will usually pause, think, and answer with honesty, even if their answer is uncertain.

People who haven’t will often keep it vague – not out of bad intention, but because they’ve never gone deeper than attraction or comfort.

And that’s okay. We’re all in different stages of awareness.

For me, it’s not about testing anyone. It’s about understanding whether our directions align.

The right person won’t feel pressured by that kind of question – they’ll feel seen by it.

“I’m always curious how people imagine partnership – like what it means to them in daily life or long term.”

When I ask now, it’s not to lead someone toward my vision – it’s to see if they’ve actually reflected on theirs.

Because if I share my whole vision upfront, people tend to mirror it. They say, “Yeah, I want that too,” because it sounds good in the moment.

So instead, I listen. I watch. I let my intuition do its quiet work.

Presence has a way of revealing truth without forcing it.

Observing Behavior

I used to overthink mixed messages – trying to make sense of silence, excuses, or slow replies. Now I just notice.

Behavior always tells the truth. It’s just a matter of being still enough to see it.

Sometimes it’s subtle – the way someone disconnects mid-conversation when things get real, or how they light up in person but vanish in between. Some talk beautifully but never follow through. Others message every day but say nothing that brings you closer.

And once you learn to see it, you can’t unsee it.

Questions show you someone’s intentions.

Behavior shows you their capacity.

What people say is often who they want to be.

How they behave reveals who they are.

When there’s tension, do they communicate or disappear?

When plans shift, do they adapt or get defensive?

When emotions come up, do they hold space or shut down?

You don’t need to analyze or test anyone – just stay present.

People reveal their capacity when they’re slightly uncomfortable, not when everything’s going well.

And sometimes, awareness is simply noticing what doesn’t align – before you try to make it fit.

Why This Matters

Because I’ve built a life that feels peaceful and full.

Because my son needs me grounded.

Because my work, my projects, my home – all of it – thrives on calm energy.

And because peace isn’t something I’m willing to trade for potential.

This is where I am right now: choosing alignment over urgency, depth over distraction, clarity over chaos.

Awareness keeps me rooted in that truth.

It reminds me that love isn’t something I chase anymore – it’s something I recognize.

Sending a Message to the Universe

I’ve learned that every choice sends a message – not just to others, but to the universe.

It’s not only what I think, or feel, or hope for that matters – it’s what I do.

My actions carry frequency.

When I choose not to settle, I’m saying, I’m no longer available for half-versions of what I desire.

That’s how I communicate what I’m ready for.

That’s how I co-create.

Because manifestation isn’t just about visualizing what you want – it’s about living like you believe you deserve it.

And every time I walk away from what isn’t aligned, I’m sending a clear message: I’m ready for what is.

---

One of the practices that helped me most was completing The Expanded Wheel of Life. It helped me map my own direction — to see clearly what was aligned for me and what wasn’t. ✺You can download it for free here.

Subscribe to receive a monthly letter with a practice, a question to sit with, and resources to help you build a personal practice and inner stability you can reach for — whether you’re navigating pain and uncertainty or just overwhelmed by the day-to-day. luminyou.com