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The Fears Hidden Inside Ordinary Moments
From a small notebook and a hesitant hand My son just left for school, and I’m sitting down to write after spending about half an hour paralyzed. Not for lack of topics to write about, but more due to the overwhelming options before me regarding where to write. After purchasing several new notebooks and still waiting for some to be delivered, I find myself stuck. I worry about ruining the cohesion of my notebook with words that are not aligned by theme. I should have a notebook dedicated to specific topics, right? There should be a right way to do this.…
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Why All the Right Tools Couldn’t Unlock My Automatic Behaviors
Your mind knows. Your body didn’t get the memo. There are moments that seem insignificant on the surface but don’t feel small at all. Someone texts me, “Can we talk?” with no context. I send a text, and it just sits there. No response. I meet someone, and they don’t get in touch after the first date. My lease is up, and I still don’t know what I’m going to do. Nothing is actually happening, but internally, everything is moving. I check my phone. Put it down. Pick it back up. I reread the last message, looking for something I…
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I Don’t Even Like Him. And Yet Here I Am.
On familiar patterns, loneliness, and the quiet work of choosing yourself I sit in my reading chair, covered in blankets with the AC on full blast. My eyes ache from lack of sleep. Somewhere in the near distance, alarms. Rockets overhead. The turbulence of the world has moved closer to home than I would like — canceled flights and nothing to look forward to. I’ve gained a few pounds. Unable to find the motivation to move my body.And beneath all of it, loneliness. That particular feeling that says: If only I had someone, a partner, then things would be different. Then life would…
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When You Can’t See More Than Two Steps Ahead
On openness, control, and what happens when the tools you trust stop working I sit and ponder this strange, strange life — one where things are uncertain, and we can’t see more than two steps ahead. We can’t determine whether what is unfolding in our lives is good or bad. But having faith that it’s all for the good feels far more freeing than believing things are simply happening to us. It’s always better to be open to experience than to judge it and determine that it’s here to hurt us. Being open to our lives is not something we were taught, although…
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Everyone Is Out to Get Me (And Other Things I Tell Myself)
On fear, the story, and the pause that changes everything. I take a deep breath. That’s the practice, especially when I notice the pattern of toxic thinking playing quietly in the background — the kind that sounds like everyone is out to get me. I’ll be honest. I often play out scenarios in my mind that make people out to be what they are not. And even if my thoughts were true, it’s still within my control whether I continue giving them attention, because attention is what gives them power — not only over my mood, but over my actions and then the reactions…